Ok, KC just asked me to do some coc with her today. I at first, said yes then said no. I can’t. I have beaten this demon. I have to cut her out of our lives.
No one else will get a set. I don’t trust anyone like I do you. You should keep the keys. I was mad and said a lot that I can’t take back but they are yours. In thinking about it, if Austin needs anything when I’m away, I would rather you have a set than him not having anyone to help or check on him
If I could just ask that you help get me through this horrible time and help me become stronger. Help me be more in control of my disorder so that I don’t keep making the same mistakes that could kill me. The high risk behavior and the giving up, I need help with that. I tried my best and couldn’t manage my life and everyone suffered. I want to be ok again. I am a good person, usually. I love deeply, and often way too much. I can’t change my past, it scarred me for the rest of my being, but I survived. I won’t ever hurt a child, nor stand by and watch without stepping in. This hurt I feel now, the anger inside, the bad stress, and my heart. Please please let these things leave my soul. I understand that down the road I will understand why, but right now, my health is low, my decisions are poor, and my love for little things have disappeared. People dislike me, I have let everyone down, and I am so so sorry. I put on my best mask and smile and get through but I’m a mess. I ask you ancestors, to please lift me through this.
To go back to those days where I wanted to just be around you and happy to bring you treats to make your day better, listen to songs that were meaningful and just live everyday loving the thought that you were here to keep me safe. I miss you and have ever since February. We started our downward spiral and I felt so left out on V-Day. I brushed it off but it just grew from there. I know that this happened for a reason and maybe I will understand in time, but I truly honestly loved you. I would’ve done anything and everything as long as you helped me understand the world. Do I want to get rid of him ? No. I love my boy. But I’m on my own here and I’m really really scared. He is way smarter than me. I don’t know about kids nowadays. Remember, I’m old. I just think that I can’t be a great parent or save him. When he got here, I thought that I had you to help so that he could understand me and I him. Now he questions me if you even care sometimes. I just don’t know how long I can go on pretending to be happy anymore. He knows how vulnerable I am right now and that is how he and I got drinks last night. I kept saying that I wanted some very badly but didn’t need to drink and he said it would be ok in moderation. That 2 wouldn’t hurt. And boom.